Note 23: Stop Measuring Yourself Against Other Women
Feeling “less than” around other women isn’t a personality flaw, it’s a confidence wound.
In this episode, Yaya breaks down why comparison shows up, how it steals your joy, and the mindset shifts that help you stop shrinking in rooms full of powerful women.
You’ll learn:
• why you compare yourself even when you don’t want to
• the hidden beliefs that make you feel behind
• how to rebuild self-worth without external validation
• how to celebrate other women without losing yourself
• 6 steps to stop measuring your value by someone else’s life
If you’re tired of feeling “not enough,” this note will shift how you see yourself and every woman around you.
Ready to step your confidence up another level? Apply for Journey to Confidence, Yaya’s 1:1 coaching program.
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Transcript
Hey, girl.
Speaker A:Welcome back to Notes to Her, the daily pep talk.
Speaker A:I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach, your bestie in your ear, reminding you that you are not behind, you are not late, you are not less than anyone you are standing next to today.
Speaker A:Ooh, today we're talking about something that most women don't admit out loud but feel all the time.
Speaker A:And that's comparison.
Speaker A:Not the cute kind.
Speaker A:The kind that steals your joy, blinds your blessings, and convinces you that another woman's life is somehow a mirror to your shortcomings.
Speaker A:Because I saw something recently that made me stop, scroll back, and say, oh, no, we need to talk about this immediately.
Speaker A:So I came across this Instagram post.
Speaker A:A woman hosted a dinner party for women that she didn't know, and she told them, don't talk about what you're doing for a living.
Speaker A:Her reason was simple.
Speaker A:She wanted them to really connect without comparing salaries, job titles, or success levels.
Speaker A:And she didn't want anyone to feel less than if they weren't where they wanted to be.
Speaker A:And she didn't also want someone shrinking because another woman had a flashier job.
Speaker A:And the comments.
Speaker A:So many women were like, yes, I am tired of feeling small next to other people, and I get it.
Speaker A:But I also have a very different, very real perspective.
Speaker A:Because, listen, you should be able to stand next to another woman, any woman, and not lose your sense of self.
Speaker A:So that's what this note is all about.
Speaker A:Now, let me tell you.
Speaker A:I lived in a DMV area for 20 years.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So for those of you who are unfamiliar, the DMV is the D.C. maryland, Virginia area.
Speaker A:Asking what you do is a pretty common thing in that area.
Speaker A:People will ask that before they ask your name, your birthday, your favorite color.
Speaker A:It doesn't matter.
Speaker A:That's like you meet somebody and that's your next question.
Speaker A:The main reason people ask this is because they're sizing you up.
Speaker A:They want to know your level, your bracket, your worth, your education.
Speaker A:And I used to feel that pressure, too.
Speaker A:But when I lost my job twice, I hated that question because I always felt like my answer made me look less.
Speaker A:But over time, I realized I asked people what they do, not to judge them, but to understand them.
Speaker A:You spend 40 to 50 hours, maybe even more a week, working, and that is a huge part of your life.
Speaker A:I want to know if you are fulfilled, if you're drained, if you're living on purpose or surviving your days, if you're settling or if you've outgrown a life that you've mastered.
Speaker A:I don't ask her to size somebody up.
Speaker A:I ask because I actually care about who you are.
Speaker A:But the reason this Ige post hit me so deeply, because it showed me one thing.
Speaker A:So many women still feel less than the moment another woman walks into the room.
Speaker A:And it's not because the other woman is better.
Speaker A:It's because somewhere deep inside, you decided that who you are isn't enough.
Speaker A:And that's what we're going to be unpacking today.
Speaker A:So comparison isn't about other women.
Speaker A:It's about the story that you tell yourself about you.
Speaker A:Women compare themselves for a few reasons.
Speaker A:One, maybe you're not proud of who you are.
Speaker A:You know you want more.
Speaker A:You know you deserve more.
Speaker A:And instead of saying I'm growing, you say I'm behind.
Speaker A:Two, maybe you tied your worth to your accomplishments.
Speaker A:I know I did in the past.
Speaker A:Titles, income, followers.
Speaker A:You've mistaken status for self esteem.
Speaker A:3.
Speaker A:You don't think you're allowed to take up space.
Speaker A:You make yourself small because you don't want to be judged, misunderstood, or be too much.
Speaker A:And then four.
Speaker A:Other women intimidate you because you're ignoring your own potential.
Speaker A:And listen.
Speaker A:This is not shame.
Speaker A:This is the truth.
Speaker A:We compare most when we're disconnected from our own confidence.
Speaker A:When you don't know who you are, every woman looks like a threat.
Speaker A:When you are clear on who you are, every woman looks like inspiration.
Speaker A:Now here's the part a lot of people are not going to tell you.
Speaker A:You're not intimidated by another woman's life.
Speaker A:You are intimidated by the version of you who wants the same thing.
Speaker A:Her wins don't make you lose.
Speaker A:Her success doesn't shrink your lane.
Speaker A:Her shine doesn't dim your light.
Speaker A:She's not your competition.
Speaker A:She's your proof, your reminder, your preview.
Speaker A:But you can't celebrate her if you are secretly ashamed of where you stand.
Speaker A:And I say ashamed on purpose because comparison has a flavor to it and it always tastes like lack when sis you are not lacking.
Speaker A:You are evolving.
Speaker A:So now here's what you can do if you want to stop measuring yourself up up against another woman.
Speaker A:First, take.
Speaker A:Tell yourself the truth about where you are.
Speaker A:Comparison thrives in confusion.
Speaker A:So say this out loud.
Speaker A:I am not where I want to be.
Speaker A:But I am working on it.
Speaker A:Honesty brings peace.
Speaker A:Shame brings hiding.
Speaker A:Then step two.
Speaker A:Separate your worth from your achievements.
Speaker A:Who you are is not what you do.
Speaker A:You are a whole human being, not a resume.
Speaker A:Step three.
Speaker A:Notice your triggers.
Speaker A:Which women make you shrink?
Speaker A:Ask yourself, why is it their confidence, their success, their ease.
Speaker A:Your triggers point to your desires.
Speaker A:Step number four.
Speaker A:Study the women that you actually do admire.
Speaker A:Not to copy them, but to understand what's waking you up inside.
Speaker A:And then take five.
Speaker A:Build self respect through action.
Speaker A:Comparison dies when confidence grows.
Speaker A:Because when you know that you are that woman, you don't feel like you need to compare yourself to anyone else.
Speaker A:And confidence continues to grow when you keep promises to yourself.
Speaker A:Even the small ones.
Speaker A:Step 6.
Speaker A:Celebrate other women around you without making it about you.
Speaker A:Her win is not your loss.
Speaker A:Her path does not block your path.
Speaker A:Two women can shine in the same room.
Speaker A:We've been doing it.
Speaker A:We just forgot.
Speaker A:No, there will always be somebody prettier.
Speaker A:There's always going to be somebody richer, more successful, more connected, more accomplished.
Speaker A:But there will never, ever, ever be another you.
Speaker A:The reason comparison hurts isn't because she's better.
Speaker A:It's because you are ignoring your own girl greatness.
Speaker A:So here's what I want you to take with you today.
Speaker A:You do not need to measure yourself against another woman to feel valuable.
Speaker A:You do not need to shrink just because someone else shines.
Speaker A:And you definitely don't need to keep telling yourself that you are behind.
Speaker A:You're on your timeline, not hers.
Speaker A:Listen, if this note hit that tender spot, the one where comparison keeps whispering.
Speaker A:You are not enough.
Speaker A:Hear me when I say this.
Speaker A:This is exactly the work that we do on Journey to Confidence.
Speaker A:It's not surface level motivation, not the love yourself more fluff.
Speaker A:I'm definitely going to tell you that.
Speaker A:But I'm giving you a whole lot more.
Speaker A:We are doing actual deep identity work.
Speaker A:The kind that shifts how you see yourself in every room that you walk into inside.
Speaker A:Journey to Confidence, we move through four phases.
Speaker A:Phase one is that and learning where we pull out the belief that taught you that other women were your competition or or proof that you were behind.
Speaker A:We clear the noise so that you can finally hear your voice again.
Speaker A:Phase two is that rewiring where we rebuild your thoughts, your patterns and your self talk that makes you shrink.
Speaker A:Compare and second guess.
Speaker A:You'll stop reacting from insecurity and start responding from worthiness.
Speaker A:Phase three is the becoming.
Speaker A:This is where you step into your identity, not hers.
Speaker A:You start making decisions from clarity and and self trust, not being judged or left behind.
Speaker A:And phase four is the embodiment where we turn confidence into a lifestyle.
Speaker A:Not something you try, but something you are.
Speaker A:You become the woman who walks into any room and stays grounded in who she is, no matter who else is standing there.
Speaker A:So if you're tired of feeling smile around other women.
Speaker A:If you are ready to stop comparing yourself and start becoming apply for Journey to Confidence.
Speaker A:The link is in the show notes because you were never meant to compete, you were meant to become.
