Note 49: Choosing You Doesn’t Make You Selfish
Choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you honest.
In this episode, Yaya breaks down one of the most deeply ingrained myths women carry: that prioritizing themselves means neglecting others.
From generational conditioning to the pressure of wearing every role perfectly, this note unpacks why self-love often comes with guilt and why that guilt doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
This episode is for the woman learning how to choose herself without apology.
Inside this episode:
- Where the “selfish” narrative comes from
- Why so many women feel guilty for resting or setting boundaries
- The emotional and mental cost of self-abandonment
- How self-love protects your energy and nervous system
- Why choosing yourself actually makes you better for everyone else
Her Era: The Self-Love Reset is coming February 23-27, a free 5-day challenge to help you stop shrinking, release guilt, and start choosing yourself with intention. Learn more here.
If this episode spoke to you and you want to connect with me directly, you can reach out to me on Instagram @coachingwithyaya.
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Looking for additional resources? Start with the Confidence Kit, your go-to for breaking the spiral, rebuilding self-trust, and moving forward with clarity. 🔗 Link
If you're ready to stop figuring this out alone? Apply to work with me here.
Transcript
Hey, girl.
Speaker A:Hey.
Speaker A:Welcome back to no Star or the Daily Pep Talk.
Speaker A:I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach, here to help you stop shrinking, stop overthinking, and stop abandoning yourself when things get uncomfortable.
Speaker A:Because choosing you, resting, setting boundaries, listening to your needs, that does not make you selfish.
Speaker A:And honestly, that might be one of the most important things that I ever say to you.
Speaker A:Because so many women are walking around with guilt for simply taking care of themselves.
Speaker A:And it's time that we clear that up.
Speaker A:So somewhere along the way, we were taught a lie.
Speaker A:That choosing yourself is selfish, that prioritizing your needs is narcissistic, that putting yourself first means taking something away from others.
Speaker A:And that message didn't come from nowhere.
Speaker A:We watched it growing up.
Speaker A:We watched our moms and the women before them play that role of superwoman, doing everything for everyone, holding the house together, working, caring, sacrificing.
Speaker A:And at the end of the day, she was exhausted, but she kept going.
Speaker A:And what we learned from that wasn't just work ethic.
Speaker A:We learned that being a good woman meant being depleted.
Speaker A:So now, as adults, we wear all hats.
Speaker A:Daughter, mother, partner, leader, boss, caregiver, friend.
Speaker A:And somewhere in all of that, we have internalized this belief.
Speaker A:If everyone else is okay, then I'm allowed to be okay.
Speaker A:But the truth is, the person who should be taken care of first is you.
Speaker A:Now let's talk about guilt, because I know it's real.
Speaker A:Most women weren't praised for having needs, were praised for being helpful, low maintenance, strong, available, selfless.
Speaker A:So when you rest, your mind says you should be doing more.
Speaker A:When you say no, your body tightens.
Speaker A:When you put yourself first, your nervous system panics.
Speaker A:That's not intuition, that is conditioning.
Speaker A:You're not selfish.
Speaker A:You're just doing something unfamiliar.
Speaker A:And unfamiliar things often come with guilt.
Speaker A:Not because they're wrong, but because they disrupt a pattern that benefited other people.
Speaker A:We've said this before and we need to say it again.
Speaker A:Guilt is not always a sign that you're doing something wrong.
Speaker A:Sometimes it's a sign that you are doing something new.
Speaker A:Now let's talk about something that nobody really wants to admit.
Speaker A:What actually happens when you don't choose yourself?
Speaker A:You don't become more loving.
Speaker A:You don't become more patient.
Speaker A:Trust me, I know.
Speaker A:And you don't become more giving.
Speaker A:You end up being resentful.
Speaker A:You become short tempered.
Speaker A:You feel disconnected from yourself.
Speaker A:You start snapping at the people that you love, keeping Trust me again, I know this.
Speaker A:And you feel drained before the day even starts.
Speaker A:That's what self abandonment looks like.
Speaker A:It's ignoring your instincts, justifying your exhaustion, breaking promises to yourself, saying yes when your body is screaming no.
Speaker A:And over time, it chips away at your confidence.
Speaker A:Because your confidence doesn't disappear overnight.
Speaker A:It, it erodes.
Speaker A:Every time you override yourself, your body keeps score.
Speaker A:That tight chest, that constant anxiety, that mental fog, that's not weakness.
Speaker A:That's your nervous system saying, I need to rest, I need care, I need safety.
Speaker A:So let's reframe this properly.
Speaker A:Self love is not indulgence.
Speaker A:It's not selfishness and it's not ego.
Speaker A:Self love is protection.
Speaker A:It protects your peace, your energy, your mental health, your nervous system.
Speaker A:When you practice self care, you are regulating yourself.
Speaker A:And regulation matters.
Speaker A:Because a dysregulated nervous system cannot access confidence, clarity or grounded decision making.
Speaker A:When you're constantly overwhelmed, you overthink everything, you doubt yourself, you react instead of respond.
Speaker A:And you feel emotionally unsafe inside your body.
Speaker A:Self care isn't about luxury.
Speaker A:It's about stability, sleep, boundaries, hydration, movement, quiet.
Speaker A:Say no.
Speaker A:These are not extras.
Speaker A:They're what allow you to show up as your best self in every role that you care about.
Speaker A:And here's the part that changes everything.
Speaker A:The more that you pour into yourself, the better you are for everyone else.
Speaker A:Let me say that again.
Speaker A:The more that you pour into yourself, the better you are for everyone else.
Speaker A:Not worse, better.
Speaker A:Now let's talk about the pushback.
Speaker A:Because it will come.
Speaker A:I mentioned this.
Speaker A:Some people will call you selfish when you change.
Speaker A:Not because you're wrong, but because the boundary disrupts what they're used to.
Speaker A:Your self love highlights where others are still over.
Speaker A:Giving your rest challenges their hustle.
Speaker A:Your no forces them to sit with their own limits.
Speaker A:And that discomfort, they're going to label that selfishness.
Speaker A:Because growth will always challenge systems that relied on your silence, sacrifice or self abandonment.
Speaker A:That doesn't mean you stop.
Speaker A:That means that you're evolving.
Speaker A:And let me say this, Self love is responsibility.
Speaker A:It's saying, I take responsibility for my emotional health.
Speaker A:I take responsibility for my energy.
Speaker A:I take responsibility for how I show up.
Speaker A:Because when you don't, you leak.
Speaker A:You leak frustration, you leak resentment, you leak exhaustion.
Speaker A:And when I say you leak, here's what I mean.
Speaker A:When you don't take responsibility for your emotional health, when you don't rest and when you don't set boundaries, that energy just doesn't disappear.
Speaker A:It shows up as irritation.
Speaker A:When somebody asks you a simple question, it shows up at you, snapping at people you love.
Speaker A:It's passive aggressiveness instead of honesty.
Speaker A:It's burnout, anxiety, brain fog and self doubt.
Speaker A:You start reacting instead of responding and you feel on edge for no clear reason.
Speaker A:You question yourself more.
Speaker A:You lose patience faster.
Speaker A:Not because you're a bad person, but because your system is overwhelmed.
Speaker A:And that's why self love is not optional.
Speaker A:Because when you don't take care of yourself on purpose, your exhaustion shows up by accident and it affects everyone around you.
Speaker A:Choosing you doesn't mean that you care less.
Speaker A:It means that you care better.
Speaker A:So I want you to hear me when I say this to you.
Speaker A:Because I'm saying this out of love.
Speaker A:Choosing you does not make you selfish.
Speaker A:It makes you self aware.
Speaker A:It makes you grounded.
Speaker A:It makes you emotionally responsible.
Speaker A:And if you're ready to practice choosing you without guilt, without over explaining, without shrinking.
Speaker A:I want to invite you to my five day challenge.
Speaker A:Her era the self love reset.
Speaker A:This is a space for women who are tired of pouring from an empty cup.
Speaker A:Five days to reconnect with yourself.
Speaker A:To regulate your nervous system.
Speaker A:To stop abandoning your needs to choose yourself on purpose.
Speaker A:Details will be in the show notes and until next time, remember, choosing you doesn't take anything away from anyone else.
Speaker A:It brings you back to yourself.
Speaker A:And that's where everything changes.
Speaker A:Sam.
