Note 4: Stop Borrowing Other People’s Doubt
You don’t need to carry anyone else’s fear to be kind.
In this heartfelt episode, Yaya opens up about a time she started absorbing a colleague’s nervous energy before a big presentation and how she learned to hand that doubt back. Learn how empathy can turn into emotional absorption, how to recognize when you’ve picked up someone else’s fear, and how to ground yourself back into your truth.
You’ll learn:
- Why we unconsciously “borrow” other people’s fears
- How to tell when the anxiety you feel isn’t actually yours
- A 3-step process to hand doubt back with compassion and confidence
- How to protect your peace while staying empathetic and open
DM “SPIRAL” on Instagram @coachingwithyaya to get the Stop the Spiral Script and keep borrowed doubt from stealing your shine.
Transcript
Welcome back to Notes to Her, the daily pep talk.
Speaker A:I'm Yaya, your confidence and mindset coach, here to help you release self doubt, own your power, and walk into every room knowing you belong there.
Speaker A:If you've been following along, we've already built a strong foundation.
Speaker A:We staffed a spiral, celebrated small wins, and created your morning reset.
Speaker A:Today we're talking about the confidence killer that sneaks up on so many women.
Speaker A:Confidence and borrowed doubt.
Speaker A:You ever have a moment where you're feeling solid?
Speaker A:Maybe you've prepped for something big.
Speaker A:You're ready, and then someone else's energy suddenly makes you second guess yourself?
Speaker A:Let me tell you about one of those moments for me.
Speaker A:A few years ago, I was about to present to a major client for the first time.
Speaker A:I spent days rehearsing.
Speaker A:My slides were tight, my talking points were ready.
Speaker A:My outfit was giving main character energy.
Speaker A:I was prepared.
Speaker A:The morning of, I had breakfast with a colleague and she looked at me and said, I'm so nervous.
Speaker A:What if I mess up?
Speaker A:What if they don't like our ideas?
Speaker A:And I remember feeling her fear crawl up into my chest like it was mine.
Speaker A:My confidence started to shake even though nothing had changed.
Speaker A:That's when it hit me.
Speaker A:I wasn't nervous about my ability.
Speaker A:I was nervous because I had borrowed her doubt.
Speaker A:We care about people.
Speaker A:Co workers, family, friends.
Speaker A:We naturally mirror their emotions.
Speaker A:It's part of how we connect.
Speaker A:Empathy is what makes you compassionate.
Speaker A:But that same empathy can turn into emotional absorption if we don't have boundaries around what's ours to hold.
Speaker A:You can absorb other people's fears, their insecurities, their uncertainty.
Speaker A:And before you know it, your body's reacting like you're the one unprepared.
Speaker A:You've probably felt it before.
Speaker A:You walk into a room feeling fine.
Speaker A:But the second someone starts venting their stress, your body tightens, your energy drops, your thoughts start racing, and suddenly you feel things that you weren't feeling five minutes ago.
Speaker A:That's borrowed doubt.
Speaker A:Sometimes it comes from people we love.
Speaker A:They don't mean harm.
Speaker A:They're just projecting their own fears.
Speaker A:They say things like, are you sure that's a good idea?
Speaker A:That seems risky.
Speaker A:I could never do that.
Speaker A:And before you know it, your confident decision starts to sound like a mistake.
Speaker A:You start internalizing their uncertainty as your truth.
Speaker A:Other times we borrowed out because it feels safer than standing out.
Speaker A:It's easier to match energy in the room than to hold your own.
Speaker A:It's easier to say, yeah, maybe I'm not ready either, than to risk feeling different but here's the truth.
Speaker A:Borrowed doubt might make you feel connected in the moment, but it disconnects you from your power long term.
Speaker A:You start shrinking yourself to match someone else's fear.
Speaker A:And every time you do that, your confidence pays the price.
Speaker A:It's the same thing that happens when you scroll online and you start comparing your progress to someone else's highlight reel.
Speaker A:You start thinking, who am I to do that?
Speaker A:But that's not your voice.
Speaker A:That's someone else's projection echoing in your head.
Speaker A:And if you've ever felt like an imposter after achieving something amazing, that's borrowed doubt too.
Speaker A:It's your brain saying, we've never been here before, so that must be a mistake.
Speaker A:But it's not a mistake.
Speaker A:It's expansion.
Speaker A:So here's how to stop letting borrowed doubt dictate your story.
Speaker A:Step one is to notice it.
Speaker A:The moment your energy shifts after a conversation, pause and ask, wait, is this my fear or someone else's?
Speaker A:If the fear showed up out of nowhere or after a conversation, you probably absorbed it.
Speaker A:Awareness creates separation.
Speaker A:It reminds your mind that you have a choice in what thoughts you keep.
Speaker A:Step two, Breathe it out.
Speaker A:Take a slow breath in through your nose.
Speaker A:Hold for three, and exhale through your mouth.
Speaker A:As you exhale quietly, say, that's not mine to hold.
Speaker A:Visualize that energy leaving your body.
Speaker A:Step three, Reclaim what's true.
Speaker A:Remind yourself of what's real.
Speaker A:Say to yourself, I'm prepared.
Speaker A:I've earned my place here.
Speaker A:I know what I'm doing.
Speaker A:Because when you affirm your own truth, you anchor back to your story.
Speaker A:When you do this, you stop letting borrowed doubt dictate your path.
Speaker A:You start writing from a place of power, not protection.
Speaker A:You remind your nervous system that you're safe to stand tall even if others are figuring out their footing.
Speaker A:And that's what real confidence is.
Speaker A:Not never feeling fear, but knowing which fears belong to you and which ones to lovingly hand back.
Speaker A:Okay, now take a breath with me.
Speaker A:Inhale.
Speaker A:And now exhale.
Speaker A:Think about where borrowed out has been showing up in your life lately.
Speaker A:Is it from a colleague?
Speaker A:From family?
Speaker A:From people online who don't even know your story?
Speaker A:You don't have to carry their fear.
Speaker A:Their uncertainty doesn't belong in your narrative.
Speaker A:Hand it back.
Speaker A:It was never yours.
Speaker A:Now, if today's pep talk gave you a reset, I've got something for you that will keep your energy when doubt starts creeping in.
Speaker A:It's my stop the spiral script.
Speaker A:It's a one minute guide that you can use anytime you start feeling other people's doubts trying to stick.
Speaker A:Just DM me the word spiral on Instagram at coachingwithya and I'll send it straight to you.
Speaker A:And when you try it, tag me in your story so I can cheer you on next time we're going to be talking about something that you may not even realize is holding you back, and it's the way you talk to yourself, because words you use can make you sound confident before you even feel it.
Speaker A:Sa.
